The Sandman's Page.: Ed Smithers needs your help.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Ed Smithers needs your help.

Sandman. This is Ed Smithers. We met at the Fallen Angel last week. I really need your help. Remember when I wished for Steeler's season tickets? I don't know what the hell happened. But I got the tickets in the mail. Then the next day these two really big guys show up at my door, and one of them says that I stole his tickets. I told them that i didn't know that they were talking about. Then they start beating my ass. I went into my house to get the tickets so that they can leave me alone. But the tickets were gone. They said that they'll be back tomorrow to get their tickets. And that I'd better have them or else They're going to kill me. Please help me. Ed Smithers.

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Meet The Sandman.

Hi freinds. How many of you have problems? In this world who doesn’t? Your job sucks. Boss won’t give you the raise or promotion that you deserve. Your partner is cheating on you. Neighbor’s dog barks too much at night. Your car won’t start. Life dishes out all kinds of problems. But now, finally, there’s something you can do about it. And I’m just the guy that can help. I’m known as the Sandman. And I’m an expert at making problems go away. I can grant you any wish that your twisted little heart desires.That’s right. You read correctly. I can grant you any wish. Ok. Ignore the twisted heart comment. But yes. Make a wish. You name it. I’ll grant it. Anything that you can imagine can be yours. And what am I asking for this? Just the amazing and unbelievable price of your dreams or nightmares. You see, I like to think of myself as a kind of reverse Freddy Kruger. Only without the knives. And that idiotic sweater. Does he ever wash that thing? But seriously. Does that pesky nightmare about taking a bath in a tub full of snakes cause you to wake up screaming? Being chased by a skeleton with a chainsaw creep you out? And that fond dream about dating your high school sweet heart. Hasn’t that dream gotten a little stale? Then trade in those stale, boring, or creepy dreams and nightmares and get something really cool. Just see yourself driving in that brand new fancy car. Your baldness problem solved. That certain person who gets on your nerves is finally dealt with. Money in the bank when you need it. Viagra? Who needs it when I can help you out? The Sandman can solve all your problems. No matter how big or small. So why let the problems of life get you down? And if you happen to have a little issue that you’d rather not have certain people know about. Namely a husband, wife, girlfreind, boyfreind, parents, priest, rabbi, or anyone connected with law enforcement. Then don’t worry. Your filthy little secret is safe with me. No matter how dark and dirty. Or kinky. So give me a call at 1-800 EVL-WAKS, (1-800-385-9257)send me an E-mail, or visit me at the Fallen Angel Tavern on Pittsburgh's North Side and we’ll set make a deal. Hey. What have you got to loose? ********************************************************************************** SPECIAL DISCLAIMER. (This offer is void where prohibited. Namely any church or synagoge. And any members of the clergy. This offer is excluded to minors under the age of 18. Any and all politicians of any political party. Even I’ve got my standards. And individuals who are mentally deficient or certifiably mentally unstable. And one last thing. Please don’t ask me if this involves selling your soul to Satan. That’s a whole different department. And besides. Most of the people that I deal with have souls that look worse that the floor of a bus station bathroom. Go sell your soul on Craig’s List. You might get a better offer.)